This is not like me, but I've got to say it...

So... I'm going to level with you all.  I've been a little depressed of late (I'm sure some have picked up on it).  Everything in my life these days feels a little... aimless.  Like I could be living a completely different life if I had just made just a few decisions differently or been more assertive over the years.  I've always been pretty okay with the fact that I'm on my own most of the time, that I have trouble connecting with new people, but I've been feeling more acutely alone lately.  I think, as awesome as they are and as cool as the community at large is, the friends I've picked up in The Tadpool have made what I've been missing out on more... tangible.  Not to mention that between the perpetually-single-guy's least favorite holiday and the anniversary of one of the most painful experiences of my adult life, the month of February is always a challenge. 

I've been spending a lot of time with a certain Visual Novel lately, and that has done a lot to shake the cobwebs.  More than just the story itself, but the fact that this well crafted, well written piece of work that has been so diverting was made by a group of fans of the media.  Passionate people who were not seeking Money, fame or Recognition, but who were doing it because they loved the project and the medium.  It's made me realize how much I've held back out of fear of the consequences, and how doubt has stopped me from really pursuing any of the things I'm passionate about.  I used to Draw all day, I used to write simply for the joy of putting something into words.    I never really got into making music myself, but I've always been passionate about it.  My teachers always told me I had a good voice, but I never really bought it.  There was a lively music scene in my hometown when I was growing up that I could have easily been a part of if I had just tried.  Hell, there still is to some extent, from what I hear.  I have talents, but I lack drive to exploit them, in part because I'm worn down by day to day life and in part because I didn't leverage them when I was younger. 

I can't shake the feeling that this is sounding like any of a million "Oh Poor Me, my life sucks" blog posts that choke the internet these days.  The difference, I feel, is that most of those are teenagers who have just not found themselves yet, and don't realize that at their age, they shouldn't be expecting to.  With 30 years on the clock and still meandering aimlessly, and not having had such a crisis in my formative years, I feel slightly more justified in my feelings of urgency. 

But with all that said, and in spite of my current emotional state, I've been feeling pretty hopeful of late.  Thanks in no small part to the circle of friends I've gained through the Tadpool and the Frogpants network, I've felt inspired to do more with the precious time I've been given.  I've already been looking into getting back out into the community more locally as well, including an anime club and some singles meet and greet kind of events.  But most of all, the idea of actually making my idea for a podcast a reality has been like a breath of fresh air.  I may not be able to get "Anything With Subtitles" off the ground right away, as I have a lot to learn about the technical side of producing a show, but it's a goal to shoot for, and one that I can feel that old school passion for. 

It's funny, I feel so much better just having written this down and given form to the anxiety that has been rattling around in my head lately.  I really feel like I'm finally ready to move forward, a feeling I haven't really experienced much since around Junior High.  I'm tired of getting by, I'm ready to start getting over. 

I don't even know if I'm going to post this anywhere, but if anyone reads this, I'll be needing all the encouragement I can get to keep out of the rut I've been in, and thanks in advance (is it a sign of the headspace I'm in lately that that last part sounded likeYoroshiku Onegaishimasu in my head as I typed it? hehe)